Sunday, November 29, 2009

The end of a difficult week


It's been very strange adapting to life without Benn.  No waggy tail when we walk in the door.  No automatic mop when we drop food on the floor.  No super-soft fur pressed up against me when waiting for the kids to get out of school.  No tripping over water bowls.

No shadow.

No jingle of tags.  No sorting out pills.  No letting him out last thing at night before we go to bed.  No cuddles at the top of the stairs.  No dog breath or kid giggles when he does something crazy.  No bouncing nutcase at breakfast (after nearly 4000 days you'd think the enthusiasm would diminish, but it never did).

I cried when I was vacuuming--great big dust-devil fur balls of black hair.  Because once it is gone, he's gone forever.

We have to throw table scraps in the bin! Unheard of.

But my daughter made me see something more clearly.  She was crying 'Why now?'
And I was thinking that if he had to go soon, and I could see his tumor growing and feel the lesions beneath his fur getting more and more angry, now was about as perfect a day as he could choose.  It was sunny with just a touch of frost.  We'd had a lovely walk to school and back, a couple of miles, all told.  He'd had lots of love and lots of treats.  If I'd known that Monday was the day, I'd have lit the fire and spent the day sitting with him.  I'd have given him the big chew bone I'd bought him for Christmas.  But that's all I'd have changed.  The idea of leaving him behind with our friends when we went away was eating at me.  The thought of them having to make that final decision at a vets was excruciating.  The worry Benn might be in pain and we didn't know it...

Benn would have had a great time at our friends.  They combine love and food in the best possible way (especially if you're four-legged with fur :) and were, if possible, more eager to look after him after we found out he was ill.  It would have been great, but I'm thankful we were here with Benn at the end.  It was fitting.  It felt right.  There were no regrets other than he didn't live for another 5 years, cancer-free.

2 comments:

  1. I am sitting here crying after I read your blog about Ben. We just took our 3 1/2 year old Doberman Guinness to the vet on Saturday because we felt a lump on his chest. They did a fine needle aspiration and called me in the afternoon to say that they are pretty certain it is Mast Cell Tumor. They are closed until Tuesday but the vet wants to get a second opinion from one of her colleagues before they go further with this. I guess we will hear more on Tuesday or Wednesday. Yesterday my husband felt another larger lump in Guinness' groin area which is not good. I just took him for a walk and noticed blood on my kitchen floor and checked his paws. His left back paw is bleeding from some sort of sore that doesn't look like a cut....I am so scared and heartbroken and don't know what to do....your story just sent me over the edge but thank you for writing about Ben and sharing it with us.

    Sincerely, Jayne Lein

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  2. Jayne, i hope I didn't add to your pain. I hope there is a simpler less dangerous condition that your dog has. And even if it is a tumor, some dogs respond beautifully to medication. Some dogs live for years after diagnosis. ((Jayne and Guinness)))

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